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The days when I lived with depression (2): I still have a lot of pride left

Time:2022-09-26 01:12:30 source:psychiatricethics.com author:Depression Read:115次
The days when I lived with depression (2): I still have a lot of pride left

Write romantic stories, but also focus on depression, autism and Asperger's syndrome. If you want to know about the depression mutual aid group, you can find me on my official account: watch the water and keep watching.

Author: Bai Yueguang


Turn on the music before preparing to write today's text. There seems to be no song that can represent my mood at the moment. Until I found this song "A Smile from the Sea". The sea is laughing and the waves are rising and falling with the waves. The sky is laughing today. Whoever loses the tide in the world is the winner. God knows the mountains, laughing, misty, raining, and the waves wash away the red dust. The next time I hear it, I will burst into tears. Tonight, in this evening when the mood is a little low, there are even more tears. Many friends are waiting for my update. I haven't continued to write about this topic in the past few days, and there are many messages in the background. Ann is someone who knows me very well! When I said this writing plan, Ann was against it. Yes, I also know that it is a heart-piercing old injury, the injury can be seen in the bones, and it pierces the heart. I thought I could face the past. I have been writing for several years, and only when I put down the story, I will resort to writing. Sorry for not updating in time. The process of typing is also the process of my precipitation. Some background is blurred in the story. Without him, I don't want to be a transparent person on the Internet. Am I healed? Many friends who read my article will ask this question. Before I talk about this journey, let me give you the answer to my current state. There is a word in the diagnosis report of depression called: clinical cure. Clinical cure is a medical term. From a medical point of view, some diseases can only be cured clinically but not completely, and patients must be ill for life, such as organic heart disease, diabetes, hypertension, etc., which must be treated for life. The so-called clinical cure refers to the disappearance of the patient's superficial symptoms. In August 2016, the doctor gave me the definition: clinical cure. Today, for a year and a half, I don't need to rely on drugs, and I have been able to take care of my emotions. Although in the past year and a half, I have gone through a lot of difficult days and faced one unsolved problem after another, but the ups and downs of my emotions have been within the scope of self-regulation. In the process of mutual aid for depression, many friends are constantly asking: Can depression be cured? I asked him: I am like this, if it does not recur, is it a cure? You don't know how many choices and tests I have gone through in the past four years, and how many times I cried bitterly in front of people, on the street corner in the bustling world, who would rather bleed than cry, you may say that I have not experienced the test. And the facts, cruel facts, have repeatedly tested whether the judgment of the word "clinical cure" is accurate. Tonight was actually a little sad. Because my sick mother asked me about my future plans. With regard to the future, a future with no end in sight, the attitude I have always taken is to live in the present. I know that there are too many small problems in the future, such as problems that I cannot change. Every time those unsolved problems are full of powerlessness. The same goes for tonight. So I remembered my obsession with dying. It is because of the inability to accept the sudden conflict between reality and ideal, because of the powerlessness of life, because of the hopelessness that cannot be solved, and in severe depression, I am full of disgust for this world. The wisdom of the emptiness of the Buddhadharma cannot let me get rid of those signs, nor can I get rid of those obsessions. It seems that the only way for me to be free is to die. All the evil deeds done in the past were caused by greed, hatred, and ignorance without beginning. I don't need you to understand the loneliness between my eyebrows. You don't need to know my cuckoo weeping blood once. Looking back now, those unsolved problems are still there, but I have no obsession with death. I remember chicken soup once instilled in us that life and death are all trivial matters in the world. However, the reality tells us that living is more difficult than dying. Now, since death has been let go, what can't let go? Heaven is laughing, there are tides in the world, whoever loses who wins, God knows! Now that you are alive, just be that little girl who is worthy of the world, full of pride, and a young lady! When the wind and the frost sword come, I am still me. I can crack a crack in the haze of depression. I really want to know, in the future, how will fate punish me for working so hard? Despite the destruction from heaven to hell, it is only today that I understand that this world is extremely fair. Between gains and losses, there are gains and losses, and the lost is the mulberry elm that is harvested in the east. After experiencing severe depression, long-term self-mutilation and two suicides, under the dual effects of the "Diamond Sutra" and psychology, my world suddenly became colored. Under the severe injuries of the years, I finally used wisdom to heal the wounds Bright flowers bloom. Illuminate yourself and illuminate the future of Fangcun. In the future, I don't have much expectation. I just hope that after seeing through the turbulent and prosperous world, I will quietly return to my heart and finish the public welfare road of mutual aid for depression. Time cannot be reversed or condensed, only continuous forward, from beginning to end. Looking back now, I still want to write down this mental journey. Although depression has caused me to lose a large part of my memory, I still have to use such a retrospective gesture to describe this blurred, painful, struggling, blood-and-tearful journey to Nirvana. Don't worry, in the next article, I will start with the diagnosis of depression. At this moment, I am independent in the quiet night, and the night wind skips the tip of my hair. Along the way, I have never avoided scars. If all the good things come too quickly and too easily, how can you remember this long life, this soft red scenery of ten feet? A lapel at night, with an open mouth. Am I, who walks alone, the same you who never gave up?

(责任编辑:Mental disorder)

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