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My Days with Depression (3): A First Look at Depression

Time:2022-09-26 00:32:44 source:psychiatricethics.com author:Relax Read:955次
My Days with Depression (3): A First Look at Depression

Write romantic stories, but also focus on depression, autism and Asperger's syndrome. If you want to know about the depression mutual aid group, you can find me on my official account: watch the water and keep watching.

Author: Bai Yueguang


Lend me ten years. Lend my desperate bravery. For a long time, I didn't want to look back on the road I've traveled. Because, going through severe depression, I have forgotten many, many, many things. Nearly ten years of memory are vague existences. So, my experience with depression is a bit difficult to write about. Yesterday, I saw a netizen leaving a message in the background saying that I will come to the official account every day to see if I have updated it. I will try to update. A little busy at work lately. In fact, the entire first half of the year was a bit chaotic. I need constant precipitation. Thank you so much for being there. Looking back on the road of depression now, I summed up a sentence and gave it to everyone who passed by: Before every severe depression, there have been numerous mild and moderate depressions. This is also one of the important reasons why I began to spare no effort to do depression popularization on the Internet after studying as a psychologist. This is something. Let's start with tonight's topic. Like most people, what I first discovered was my own physical symptoms. My worst physical symptoms are heart problems. I'm a known workaholic. I have written leadership speeches and administrative documents for many years, but I have never been willing to revise my previous manuscripts. Every piece of writing is readable and readable with in-depth research and judgment on the industry and the current situation. sex report. Behind such brilliance is my accumulation and precipitation day after day. Chronic stress and lack of sleep lead to repeated heart problems. I thought I was just having a weak heart because the annual routine check-up didn't reveal anything. Although those who are passive and avoid the world, those who keep themselves in the office all day without communicating with others, those who have insomnia and pessimistic emotions often run out to me for a while, I thought it was just a common problem of young women in literature and art, and I didn't care too much. Later, a sudden change in my family smashed me into hell on earth like a meteor from the sky. I faced all the problems with a smile in front of others. Now that I think about it, I was completely in the cloud back then. He didn't remember what he said at all, and his smile must have been stiff. Every effort is made out of instinct, not out of reason. Until things got tougher and I started waking up crying around 2am every midnight, followed by constant bouts of angina. I knew that I couldn't hold on, and that there were still many problems that I needed to carry on my shoulders. I found the most authoritative cardiologist in a hospital through a friend. The doctor took the 24-hour dynamic electrocardiogram report and asked me seriously, "Did you often feel tired and world-weary before? Do you often suffer from insomnia?" I was silent. In fact, at that time, in order to cheer up and face the wind, sword, frost and sword outside, I relied on self-harm every day to vent my inner pain. "Do you feel that your response has become slow? Are you becoming more and more reluctant to talk to people?" I looked at the doctor's expression and smiled forcedly, "Can you tell me why these are all?" I remember the doctor's expression, which was very regretful and helpless, "The arrhythmia does not match your physical symptoms, and there is no organic disease. I suggest you go to the Sixth Hospital of Peking University. Although our hospital also has a psychiatry department. ." "What about your doubts?" I'm glad that the doctor introduced to me by my friend is so responsible. "Depression." This is the first time I've formally faced the diagnosis of "depression." Although I have seen this word many times on the Internet before, but I have not done a deep understanding. In the following days, apart from the difficulties in life that I have to face, I still stick to my job. I work so conscientiously and hard, and I don't want to be irresponsible for my work because of family affairs. I am too stupid! At the beginning, I was so perfectionistic, so unacceptable to be incomplete, so unwilling to let go of my talents, that made my symptoms such a vicious circle, and finally evolved into not accepting and rejecting myself. Yes, I used to be so good and beautiful, but at that time I was so dull and numb, my brain was as dull as rusted, and I was full of despair for the future...... After the cardiologist gave me his doubts, I didn't go to the Sixth Hospital of Peking University for a long time. At that time, I always said to myself, I was very busy with work this week, and things at home were not clear this week, so let's go next week! In this way, countless next weeks have dragged on. During that time, the sky was gray, and there was no color in the world, only gray. When I was so numb that I couldn't think, I would constantly hurt myself with self-mutilation. It seems that only hurting yourself can relieve that kind of self-loathing. I don't know if you've also used chicken soup for the soul for depression. Like many friends, as a young literary woman who has been typing for many years, she has a lot of inspirational stories in her brain. In those late nights when I woke up crying, I couldn't help but tell myself with those inspirational stories: You have no right to be hypocritical. You also have responsibilities and obligations. Later, I dare not drive again. Because the brain is too dull to see whether the light is red or green at the intersection. I ran through multiple red lights, and was scolded by the driver behind for stopping at the green light. I finally gave up driving. I can not be responsible for my own life, but not selfishly hurt others. Later and later, I, who would rather bleed than cry, would not be able to hold my head and cry in a crowded street, could not help writing a suicide note, could not help... Yes, suicide is a very kind of Selfish, very irresponsible and very cowardly behavior, but I really can't accept that kind of me, I'm really tired, I really can't see the future, I can't see hope, really only death can make me less sad... ...Today, write here! Bit sad. Let's read poetry! Listen to this song "Lend Me". If you can understand this song, you can probably understand me at the moment. Well, there is also Mr. Mu Xin's poem of the same name "Lend Me": Lend me an old age, Lend me fragments, Lend me to look forward and to look back, Lend me to be stubborn like a teenager, Lend me the innate that I have grown into, Lend me to become like it has not changed Lend me The plain sophistication and clear folly borrow my predictable face, borrow my pathetic uprightness, borrow my gentle recklessness and joking solemnity, borrow my first and last daring, borrow my self-evident disappearance, lend me an autumn But you say that this is already a winter sleepless night. Wake up in the morning. Hold a bleak. I don't like a woman who pretends to be the vicissitudes of life, I prefer the appearance of being light and undisturbed in the world. After going through depression, I am no longer obsessed with remembering the people and things I met in my dream last night. Those blurry pictures are just big and unreasonable backgrounds. Life seems to be like this, with some disillusionment, some truth, and some persistence. Late at night. The night wind was howling outside. I'm going to bed. I wish you well.

(责任编辑:Mental disorder)

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